By coincidence, my reading during the last few days has been about
issues relating to death. It started with a review of Katie Roiphe’s book, The Violet Hour: Great Writers at the End,
followed almost immediately by my conjuring the book into my Kindle and
starting to read it. The next day, among the forwarded mail that reached me was
an issue of Columbia Magazine with an
interesting article, “Making Light of Death,” about “ . . . the search for a
cleaner, smarter alternative to burial . . . .” Those readings prompted me to
think about death and dying. But since for me, thinking requires writing—always
for myself and sometimes also for others—I start with my own limited
experience.
Only once was I myself close to death. Although I well remember the
occasion, I was not aware at the time of the precariousness of my condition. It
was flu season and I had not felt well during the morning I taught my classes
at San Francisco State. So I decided to rest up at home and come back for my scheduled
evening class. When I walked toward my car, parked on Junipero Serra, a bit
uphill from the campus, I fainted. I was next aware of lying on a bed in the
hall of Kaiser Hospital, waiting for a room. Blank some more. I then recall a
number of people hovering over me and a doctor saying that her mentor
recommended forcing ice into the stomach of someone with a bleeding stomach
wall. When it was all over, my
stomach wall was fixed by means of major surgery and I had received a total of
nine pints of blood—a lot of blood!
I recovered and, until now, never came that close to dying, at least not
as far as I know. So let me now
turn to my experiences of deaths of people close to me.
Although I am 89 years old, I have never actually witnessed any person’s
dying. Consider five plausible
candidates. My father passed away in the hospital in New York City while I was
living in Pittsburgh. In his eighties, he was brought there after a fall that
broke a hip, but then passed away as a result of a stroke or a heart attack. My
mother, with my support, did not authorize an autopsy.
Some years later, my mother, now living on her own, with my son Mark,
then also living in New York, looking in on her, was hospitalized into an
institution that specialized in ailments she didn’t have. Rather than trying to
correct that goof, I hauled her out and flew her to Pittsburgh. It was a small
plane flying at about 3000 feet above the terrain. While I sat next to the
pilot enjoying the view my mother, alas, could not get a look at, lying on her
cot.
An operation was a necessity (I spare you the details); it was
successful. Accordingly, Fannia and I scouted out possible places for her
recuperation. But as it turned out, she passed away a few days after the
surgery, early in the morning before I arrived on my visit to the hospital.
My father and I were always on good terms but never really close. His
interests focused on his business, with my brother much more interested in that
and related issues than I was. On the other hand, I was close to my mother, to
the point of daily phone calls to her at the end of my Northwestern office
hours during the years after my father had died.
The third occasion was devastating. Fannia, my wife of nearly forty-two
years, had survived a so-called routine heart valve operation. However, after
leaving intensive care, she passed away from post-operative bleeding. I
remember vividly what I took to be her smile at me when, in the middle of the
night, she was on her way to undergo measures of resuscitation. They turned out
to be futile. Fannia never regained consciousness.
The fourth instance was that of Carl Hovde, my close friend since
January 1945, when both of us took the Columbia College placement exams for
freshmen to be. Now, decades later,
Carl’s smoking caught up with him. I visited him, living with his
second wife in Connecticut. It was gratifying to have a most civilized
conversation; he was not in pain. A few days later, Carl was felled by that lung
cancer. While Carl Hovde and I were a well-known duo in College—no sexual
implications and, as far as I know, no such suspicions. We always stayed in
touch. He married a Bryn Mawr friend of Fannia’s—and, curiously, we both became
deans, with Carl’s Columbia deanship meriting him a New York Times obituary.
My brother, Hans Martin (H. Martin after we arrived in the US), was two
years younger than I and passed away about ten months ago. We had been on frequent
telephonic speaking terms for the many years we had lived in different cities,
occasionally visiting. But about a decade ago he took uncompromising offense at
what I had written about him in my autobiography and never spoke to me again.
He did not tell me just what of those passages got him into that state, while
I, rereading the passages about him numerous times, could never find anything
that merited such wrath. So we were of course not in touch before he died.
Since I found out about his death by accident—no family member had informed
me—I had no details. He died of
“heart problems,” his daughter Sue informed me when I inquired by email.
Of these deaths, Fannia’s is the only one that seriously affected me. We
had lived through her endocarditis together, an illness that had her
hospitalized, seemingly forever. We had briefly tried a stint at home, but we
did not have confidence in our ability to do all the (for us) complicated things that needed to be done to
keep her going, so it was quickly back to the hospital. From that long siege,
Fannia was liberated in time for us to go to Bellagio where I had received a
residency at the Rockefeller establishment. We had a good time in Bellagio and,
afterwards on a trip to Vienna and Budapest. But almost immediately after
getting back home to Pittsburgh, Fannia needed to be hospitalized and, at the
age of sixty-five, subjected to that heart valve operation.
While I don’t brood about death, I do read the Times’s obits daily, skipping sports heroes about whom I know
nothing. But I read them to find out about their lives, often extensively accounted for, and mostly take only casual
note of the causes of their deaths.
I don’t brood about death and, indeed, for most of my life, I didn’t even think about it. But now,
while I certainly don't brood, I do
think about it: if not at 89, when? And my thoughts are very different from
those of the Roiphe examples I have read so far. Perhaps because I have led a
thoroughly bourgeois—read “conventional”—life, I see its end as a natural
disappearance when not coerced by untimely illness or mishap.
To be sure, I bear unmistakable physical signs of mortality, most
notably in the form of a substantial loss of body mass and various forms of
cumbersomeness mostly caused by faltering knees. The most noticeable mental
sign—that is, the most noticeable by me who is hardly a neutral observer—is its
effect on my memory, especially of the short-term variety. Needless to say,
everything I do now I do more slowly than during a younger past, in part beset
by medical issues, at this point not life-threatening ones.
Those will come. But however you get there, the fact is that the major
premise of the standard Aristotelian syllogism holds: All men are mortal. Hence, since I am a man . . . .
It is interesting that there are people able to ignore that fact. In the
Roiphe book Susan Sontag is depicted as pining not to die while knowing well
what is inevitable.
The Columbia article about “the search for a cleaner, smarter
alternative to burial” sketches out the difficulties and costs of somehow
disposing of the remains of those who have passed away with no realistic (that
is broadly acceptable) solution in sight. It is a suppressed premise of many an
account of dying and death that there should be a world in which there is birth
and life but no death. That thought remains unexpressed, because, surely, the
idea of life as we know it without death to end it is literally unthinkable.
I
conclude with a comment about me. I’ve led a most satisfactory life—and a long
one—so when the inevitable happens, I urge those who still await their own end
should understand that what matters is not that I died, which everyone does,
but that I had good life, not by any means so common. That calls for
celebration, if it calls for anything. Certainly not for mourning.